| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 200909:40 pm] |
I feel like my eyes have been gouged out, and now I'm clawing around bleeding to death, trying to find my way somewhere.
It feels like I've got an awful disease that causes me to vomit anything I try to keep down; even water, and sometimes, air triggers it.
I feel as if I've been shot in the stomach, my hand still under my sweatshirt to try and keep my organs from spilling onto the floor.
What is this feeling?
It's the feeling of swearing to God you'll stay so far above water that you won't even know it's under you, and ending up drowning almost completely.
It's the feeling of chasing someone or something -- a train that holds a relative you aren't ready to see go, a taxi, carrying a lover away from you forever -- and being inches from grasping it, before you trip, and before you know it, who or whatever is out of sight.
What is this feeling?
It's being shaken up and dizzy; unable to stand on your own.
It's losing a ghost.
It's a memory disappearing.
It's remembering who you are and forgetting what you're doing.
It's dreaming of demons awake or not; asleep or dead.
It's living in a world where everything depresses you.
It's feeling senseless.
It's feeling useless.
It's feeling regret.
It's feeling anger.
What is this feeling?
It's feeling hopeless.
---
Things just depress me nowadays. Like, I'll be in my room, and I'll hear that phony laughter on the TV, and peek out to see my mother sitting there, smoking with her feet up and watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond, and it depresses the living hell out of me. I swear, it makes me want to jump out a window. I'm not kidding. Then, picturing myself sitting in this goddamn room all the time, typing like a maniac or watching endless TAI TV marathons and all hunched over, Indian-style on the bed. It kills me. I had to leave for a while yesterday because the thought of it made me so goddamn depressed I thought I was going to cry.
I guess I've just been super emotional lately, and you'll shout PMS, but I swear this has been going on for awhile now. Old people and mentally retarded people always depressed me, since I was in Pre-K. We use to have bingo and lunch for seniors at my old school and they were always set up near the girl's bathroom, and if I had to go, I couldn't look at them because it made me feel so goddamn sad.
Something tells me the world is changing, vastly. I try to open my eyes and see what it is, but they just don't seem to clear. I see things differently now, differently then other people, differently then before. Somethings changing and I just can't put my finger on it. I'm changing. I'm realizing things I'd never thought I'd realize before. Something past the eyes, the mind, and the thoughts. Something is there reaching out for me, wanting to catch and hold me in it's grasp. Things aren't meant to be, but some things are. I might think I'm losing friends, but it's the truth. Some people move on with their life, I've already chosen to do that. I focus on the important things, and the sad things. I don't mean to. Generally I try to hide everything behind my smile, but some people see past it, just like they see the tears in the crystals. I know I am not perfect, but I try more and more to be. I just seem to be giving up on hope and all things great. I try so hard to make everything seem right. To tell everyone it's okay but it's not. People say that they understand, but do they really?
Anyway...does anyone know how to make this stop, or at least depress me a little less? I mean, lately, it's been so bad I think I'm going to burst into tears or scream or just die right on the spot. I'm not kidding. I don't know what to do. I;m sort of seeing these awful images. You'll call me crazy, but I swear to God I'm not.. I mean, like, images I can't stop, that I don't have control over. I don't know what to do, so I was hoping someone could help me, because this really hurts. It hurts like hell, and I want it to stop. |
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